Running and Motherhood

So this morning I went running.  The air was cool and refreshing.  I have been really uptight the last couple of days and really struggling to have patience with my kids.  Which is sad.  My kids are good kids, so what is my deal.  Anyways, I started running up this hill and decided instead of suffering through it I was going to think of my mom.  I was going to try to figure out how she raised me and how I always felt so loved.  So here is what ran through my mind as I ran up a hill this morning.  My mom:  is awesome.  She loves M&M's and clean socks.  She  smells like Vanderbilt and Jergens lotion.  She always said that the best two features on her body are her ears and toes.  ( which always made me laugh)  She made breakfast for me everyday, I mean everyday,  K-12th grade.  I think of roast and mashed potatoes, hot fudge sundaes, toffee, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, popcorn etc...etc..etc..  I think of late night talks while she was laying in bed half asleep and I was trying to figure out the world and my place in it.  I think  of her attending the temple weekly and absolutely loving it.  I think of her testimoney.  I think of how she said the two things that would break her heart was if me and my siblings didn't love each other and if we ever left the church.  I think of poetry, beautiful poetry.  I think of all of the many "hidden" talents she has.  She plays the piano and guitar.  She she draws and paints.  Sher writes poetry and plays and she has even started a couple of novels.  She is a fabulous cook.  (did I already mention that)  I think of the disappointment in her life.  I think of a stillborn baby and being so poor our power got shut off.  I think of a pair of wranger jeans that cost $40 dollars that she bought me.  When she herself had nothing and probably spent all her grocery money on me.  I think of the summers when she took a car load of kids to the beach.  I think of when she helped us with Young Womens projects.  I think of how she helped me draw a picture and enter it into the fair and I won a blue ribbon.  I think about the time I asked if I could have a few friends over after a basketball game one Friday night...  It turned out that about 40+ kids showed up and my mom just rolled with it.  She always made my friends feel welcome.  She made chili and hot chocolate after snowmobiling.  She stayed up and watched Saturday Night Live with us.  She let me be me.  She always encouraged me to go to Young Womens and made me dress appropriately.  She introduced me to the "Phantom of the Opera" and Patsy Cline.  I think of the day we pulled over to pick green apples off a tree and how she slid down a ravine, just to get a fresh green apple.  I think about her teaching me to find good bargains at DI.  I think about our red station wagon and road trips and Sunday drives.  I remember going to see her at work while I was on my lunch hour during high school.  I remember how her face lit up when she saw me and how she LOVED me.  She has always been so proud of me and has made me feel like I am such an amazing special person.  So, when I reached the top of the hill, tears were rolling down my cheeks and I realized how I want to mother. I want to spend time and share MY life with them.   I want to love unconditionally and to be fun and happy.  I want my kids to respect me and respect themselves.  I want to install self confidence and security in them. But most of all, I want them to know that I love them unconditionally and I am so so proud of who they are.... Just like my mom ALWAYS made me feel.